Primarily, I believe that food reviews are both misleading and unhelpful; when a reviewer doesn't use the full range of 0 to 5 stars then restaurants which vary wildly in quality can end up with the same review.

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To that end, I propose the following system:

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✬☆☆☆☆

Half a star is as low as you can go. This restaurant has properly made me feel physically endangered, probably by striking me down with thorough food poisoning. DO NOT go to this restaurant, even if your life depends on it.

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★☆☆☆☆

At one star you might not be in imminent danger, but this food is probably only to be eaten in an emergency. Unless you've come out of a 6-month hibernation and must consume sustenance within the next 60 seconds, keep walking.

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★✬☆☆☆

One and a half stars is the beginning of actually consumable food. There is likely something seriously wrong with this eatery, be it price, quality or service, but it can do a job at least. Don't come here if you can help it, but don't fear for your life if you have to eat here.

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★★☆☆☆

At this point are a whole lot of bog-standard fast food chains, your bang-average kebab shops and your common-and-garden takeaway spots. Don't expect anything from this kind of restaurant, or expect to be disappointed. 

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★★✬☆☆

Two and a half stars is the mean. Bang in the middle, this food is not bad at all, but not particularly special. If the food itself IS good, then something else is lacking, but overall you could easily leave this restaurant feeling just fine.

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★★★☆☆

At three stars we come to the region of enjoyable dining experiences. At least ONE major judgement area is really good for a restaurant to qualify for this, and you can expect an enjoyable if not mind-blowing experience for what you're paying. Nothing wrong with a three!

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★★★✬☆

For this level, you can expect a meal that will be worth every penny you're paying; a place you could easily return to; food that you'll enjoy, service that makes you feel welcome and prices that are at least approaching reasonable.

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★★★★☆

Four stars is a killer. Plain and simple, this is an excellent restaurant you will never miss out on whenever you're in the area. In fact, if you're within a few hours drive you may well make a detour just to sample the experience again. The food here should be, at the least, amazing. Some other aspects should be excellent as well, be it the ambience, pricing, location or service.

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★★★★✬

Very few restaurants will ever reach four and a half stars. I've eaten at only a handful of places that I could class in this category, and essentially all of them are at the absolute peak of their field in whatever cuisine they have. You should love this restaurant enough to plan an entire trip purely around one meal here. You should be eating beyond the point of fullness and never be forgetting the experience for the rest of your life.

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★★★★★

The holy grail. I have never experienced a full five star restaurant, and I'm not sure it would be possible. Not one element on the menu can be sub-par. Not one element of the service can leave you at all miffed. Not one element of the pricing can leave you confused. Essentially, this experience should be the restaurant critic scene of Ratatouille and nothing less.